The Value of Being Wrong – A Toolbox episode

Socrates said,

"True wisdom comes to each of us when we realize how little we understand about life, ourselves, and the world around us."

Welcome to The Soul Podcast. I’m Stacey Wheeler.

Socrates said those words about 2500 years ago. The lesson is still true, and each new generation must learn it. Most of us miss the most important part of this lesson. Since most of our new beliefs aren’t filling empty spaces of belief -but replacing old beliefs-  a new belief can’t be accepted until we release the belief it will replace. Imagine you have thousands little cups, each is a filled with something. Each filled cup represents an accepted belief. These beliefs are accumulated over a lifetime. Because of this, there are no two sets of cups alike. And there are no two identical personalities. That’s because we fill our cups as individuals. The beliefs housed in these cups can be anything. As an example, here are some of mine…

·         Sleeping in a tent on a beach in Baja is safe

·         Carbs are as bad for you as sugar in high amounts

·         Everyone is good at the core of them, even the cruelest people

·         Coffee is safe and tasty

If new information comes in that makes me alter one of those thoughts, I must swap out one of my little cups for a different content of thought. If my thought goes from ‘carbs are bad’ to ‘carbs are good’, I must first empty my cup of the ‘carbs are bad’ thought. Then replace it with one with the belief “carbs are good.” We must reject the old belief to accept the new. 

"True wisdom comes to each of us when we realize how little we understand about life, ourselves, and the world around us." … Socrates said. 

To understand “how little we know about life, ourselves and the world around us,” we must be willing to admit we’re wrong about our current beliefs. 

That means, to grow we must first admit we are wrong (if only to ourselves). This is harder for some than others. 

Here’s another for-instance, as children we all have a moment when we realize our parents don’t know everything. In this moment, our perception of them is forever altered. This may be a simple shift in belief and we may not even think about the shift that has happened. But at that moment, an old belief was replaced by a new belief. 

A moment like this can be what we regard as ‘an apophony.’ An apophony happens when one cup is altered and it sets off a chain reaction that forces us to reexamine many of the rest of our cups, which were influenced by the belief in the cup we changed. 

Think of the downstream effect of suddenly understanding your parents don’t know everything, if until then you believed they did. Much of your belief about the world was based on the belief that your parents are superhuman. Now all those other cups must come under your scrutiny. For some, an apophony can lead to an existential crisis, as we pause and examine why we believe the truth of the world is -and realize we have been wrong all along about something we used to believe was absolute truth. This can even lead to a psychotic break for some. 

Part of that shift happens when we let go of what we thought we knew. We cannot gain new wisdom unless we’re willing to admit we’re wrong about our beliefs. This is easier as a child. Our ego is not as developed as a defense. As we get older it’s more challenging. Many of us find admitting we’re wrong difficult.  Because of this, we get stuck in old thinking. Willingness to be wrong is the only way we can move forward, improve… and grow. 

There are many reasons why we’ve evolved this way. Much of it comes from our most basic survival instincts. There’s very little we can do about that. It’s instinctual, reflexive, and defensive. But there is a space where we can work to become more open to new information –and to grow in our intelligence and wisdom. This is our ego. You see, admitting we’re wrong (even just to ourselves) is an act of vulnerability. That’s where we find our ego at play. Our need to be seen a certain way makes us want to preserve the persona we present to the world. Changing our thinking means altering our persona. And that requires vulnerability. 

One of the greatest conditioners of ego in our world is social media. Social media has conditioned many of us to build an emotional wall. We’re encouraged to curate our virtual life to gain the acceptance of others. And this need for acceptance makes us alter ourselves to fit a mold we believe we’re expected to fit into. If we get too far outside of the lines, we may feel judged by others. Being judged is uncomfortable. 

When we understand how our own mind operates, we are freed to become the person we truly are.

Our mind wants to keep us safe... but only according to the rules it has learned. True freedom can only happen when we learn to choose to change our beliefs rather than running on auto pilot. That can only happen when we risk being vulnerable. 

Fear of judgement can make us avoid being vulnerable. And that’s because when we’re vulnerable we fear criticism. So, we shut off our ability to grow by not exploring outside the lines of our current belief. When we shut off this way, we miss the opportunity to increase our wisdom. And not just our wisdom, we’re also missing out on our ability to increase our intellect. And guess what…? It’s starting to show.

Several studies over the past three years have shown there’s been a drop in average IQ around the world. Where in past generations (since these things started to be measured) there’s been a small increase each year, in the past three there has been a decrease. There are many theories for why this is happening; ranging from technology to contaminants in the things we ingest. Until we’re sure what the causes are, we can’t do anything to alter the effects from those causes. But that doesn’t mean we’re powerless.

After all, this research doesn’t represent a loss in our ability to learn -it only tells of a slowing down of learning of each generation. And the most direct way to increase our knowledge “about life, ourselves, and the world around us” (as Socrates put it) is to be willing to be wrong as we fill our cups with new information. By being wrong, we can replace our incorrect knowledge with new, correct knowledge. But how do we do that?

Here’s how we start… we must first understand that we must be willing to be wrong. That means we have to let our egos become vulnerable. We must allow ourselves to accept that we are not completely right in all of our assumptions and beliefs. So, why is that so hard for us?

In my lifetime there’s been an obvious drop in civil discourse. When’s the last time you watched an old-school debate? And I don’t mean one from a few years back. I mean one from decades back. Watch one of those and you’ll see how much the world has changed.

And don’t take my word for it. These videos are easy to find. (Make a Rumble channel and post a few) A good example is the Kennedy-Nixon presidential debate from 1960. Or even the Bush Gore debate of 2000. When you watch these, you’ll see how bad it’s become. In those videos you’ll see two people seriously laying out their perspectives on a variety of topics. Watch one of those and then consider the last presidential debate you saw, you’ll immediately notice that what we currently call a debate is not a debate at all. It is an argument. There is nothing of real substance debated. Instead, they are packed with personal insults and attacks. There’s no longer any civil discourse or search for real answers in the debates of today. And these debates are a snapshot of where we are in the world today. 

If you look online –in nearly any social media space- you’ll see how uncivil people are. People don’t discuss ideas to grow from new information. It’s not growth they seem to want. Instead, what they want is to be right. Today, people are more interested in looking strong than being correct.

And this attitude shows in how people carry themselves. When we see others appearing strong and being forceful, others may feel that this is the only way to be. After all -the opposite of strong and forceful is weak and submissive. And none of us want to be weak or submissive. Well, it doesn’t have to be that way.

Roy T. Bennett  said, “You never change your life until you step out of your comfort zone; change begins at the end of your comfort zone.” 

So, how do we find the end of our comfort zone. And do we have to push the edge to change our life?

I love meaningful conversations, where we are able to respectfully disagree. When a conversation grows from that, we create an opportunity to learn. The main requirement is that it’s respectful. When someone is aggressive in their disagreement, I stop engaging with them. There’s no value in a confrontational or aggressive interaction. Instead, I look for conversation where personal growth can happen. That can only happen when we’re both interested in growing. 

If you want a conversation that helps you get smarter, look to the person’s personality. If you know the person can be aggressive in conversations, don’t waste your time with them. But if a person has a personality that’s more open and less judgmental, you’ve got a potential partner in growth. 

Since many of us are struggling to find those who aren’t judgmental and far too self-assured in their opinions, you may have to feel people out. We all do this to a certain extent. How many times have you been in a social setting where you held your opinion for fear you’d get into an unwanted argument? If you know what I mean, there’s an opportunity to find valuable conversations. If your answer to that question is “never”, consider the possibility that you are aggressive in your opinions and that people might not want to engage you in open dialogue where it might devolve into something argumentative.

Shakespeare said,

“The fool doth think he is wise, but the wise man knows himself to be a fool.”

Remember that in those moments where you’re about to strongly disagree or feel triggered by someone who doesn’t agree with you. You are only open to new knowledge when you know you don’t know it all. That new knowledge can alter or revise your current beliefs. So, risk being a “fool” as Shakespeare called it. Because thinking we’re wise is a dead end and a guarantee you will not advance in your understanding of the truths of the world.

Okay, I know I’m running long here, but I skipped last week so I figure I owe you a bit more in this one.. 

Two more quotes to underline this personal growth tool…

Robin Sharma, the author of The Monk Who Sold His Ferrari book series said,                                                  “Change is hardest at the beginning, messiest in the middle and best at the end.” 

There’s a reason for that. We must retrain ourselves to let down our defenses and cultivate growth opportunities. Every conversation is an opportunity for growth… if you look at it that way. You must program yourself in an open-hearted way, to look for differences of opinion. 

And here’s a good tool - Ask questions. When you hear someone say something that goes against your way of thinking, or your perception of truth. Instead of pulling back, lean in. Ask questions. And do this from a perspective of curiosity. Watch your ego in these moments. Don’t let yourself slip into a need to be right.  Remember, you’re not there to be right. You’re there to grow and to learn.

Afterall, asking questions doesn’t mean you must accept the answers as truth. You’re only taking in new information to decide for yourself. But it takes practice to stay open.

This is why change is hardest in the beginning.

Change is messiest in the middle because you’re settling into a new version of yourself. When we change out the contents of our cups, this action changes who we are in subtle ways. 

Okay consider this for a moment….

Pick one belief you have. A small one or big one -it doesn’t matter. Anything really.  Then reverse that belief. Maybe it’s a political thought, or maybe one about carbs… Okay, got it?

Once you change that idea, imagine how it will change the way you live. My simple idea about carbs will change my way of eating and relating to food. So, rearranging thought makes us rearrange our life in subtle but long-range ways. 

Richard Bach, is the author of Jonathan Livingston Seagull and Illusions: The Adventures of a Reluctant Messiah. These long-term changes are what he was talking about when he said, “A tiny change today brings a dramatically different tomorrow.”

When we change our thoughts, we change our life. We change our direction. 

And remember Robin Sharma said change is “best at the end.” That’s because when we’re open to new information, we become an improved version of ourselves.

So, if you’re ready for a new tool for your toolbox keep listening. 

The next time you are in a conversation ask at least three questions. Wait until someone states something as a fact or strong opinion. Maybe someone says something as simple as “the world’s only getting worse.” And maybe you even agree with this comment. But ask three questions anyway.

These can be simple:

·         What makes you feel that way?

·         Should I feel that way?

·         What would have to change for you to feel differently?

Any questions really, but the trick is to ask the questions from a curious mind -not a point of challenging. I prefer the word “feel” to the word “think” when I ask questions. It lands more softly to people.

Consider…

“Why do you feel that way” instead of “Why do you think that way?”  It’s subtly softer.

Ask questions with an open heart and curious mind. You may find that your perspective and knowledge may grow.  At the very least you will have a memorable conversation and feel more deeply connected with this person. 

One final though from Socrates, He said -“Let him who would move the world first move himself.” 

Twenty-five hundred years have passed, and that truth remains unchanged. ‘Move’ yourself today by opening your heart and mind. By being more vulnerable in your conversations. Change the contents of your cups of belief. And grow by asking questions. This small shift will improve your intellect and open your heart. Don’t be surprised if it improves your friendships in the process.