Wayne Dyer said,

“If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at will change." 

And Carl Jung said,

“Knowing your own darkness is the best method for dealing with the darknesses of other people.”

Welcome to The Soul Podcast, I’m Stacey Wheeler.

Both of these quotes talk about the idea of projection. The way we project on other people, and how projecting affects the way we see others. Jung’s quote explains that the better we understand ourselves the better we are at understanding others. Today we're going to dive into the topic of projection

In every episode, I look to provide something uplifting, or offer something you can add to your personal growth toolbox and use to improve the way you move through the world. 

Today, the topic is projection. We’ll look at how projection develops in us, how it influences our beliefs, becomes part of our interactions, and how we can create a habit of recognizing it, so we can overcome the effects of it. 

Projection is an unconscious defense mechanism, which stems from the ego. In projection, we take an unacceptable part of ourselves, like our feelings, thoughts, tendencies, or fears… we disown it, and we place it onto someone else. Projections contain our blind spots. Although we’ve all engaged in projection, it's challenging to recognize when we're doing it. With practice, we can start to notice -and change the pattern. 

In today's episode I'll share tools that will help you raise your self-awareness around projection. The benefits you gain from doing projection work regularly, will include:

1.       Being more open-hearted

2.       Becoming less judgmental

3.       Becoming more confident

Today we're going to look at:

·         How to recognize when you're projecting

·         How to figure out why you're projecting

·         Learn how to reduce the amount of projecting you do

Let’s get going. 

We all start projecting our beliefs at an early age, and projections seem to increase over time -as we add more biases through life experience. But when we understand how projection influences our thinking, we can turn it to our advantage. When we understand the way we project, this understanding can help us see more clearly. 

We can turn projection from a weakness to a strength.

So, what exactly is projection? 

A simple definition of projection is this:

“Projection is a reflexive process where we see parts of our unconscious self (the parts of ourselves we don’t care for) in others.”

With everyone we meet, we reflexively see some aspect of ourselves. Both the good and the bad.        So, to understand this -understand that our view of everyone we encounter is filtered through our own life experiences, through our fears, our insecurities, and our desires. 

But let me demonstrate with a story….

When I work up my episodes, I usually start at a coffee shop down the road from my house. (Shout out to Depoe Bay coffee roasters in Auburn, CA. You guys are great at what you do.) 

While I was writing this episode, a man came in and tied his dog to a chair at a table by mine. (The coffee place allows dogs. That’s one of the things I really like about them.) The man went to put in his order at the counter and the dog and I made eye contact. I you’re a dog lover you know that moment. He’s saying hi with his eyes and you know you’re gonna pet that dog. He was close, so I leaned down to pet him. He was a sweet pup with friendly eyes. The man came back, and I mentioned how sweet the dog was. He responded dryly and pulled the dog closer to his table and told it to lay down. Then went to get his drink. I thought it was an unusual reaction, but I didn’t put much thought in it. Maybe he didn’t like people petting his dog. No worries. 

When he returned, I thought of making friendly conversation but then I noticed his ball cap. On the front it read, “I can see through your bullshit.” At this point I felt like I was starting to see him better. He’d been wronged enough times that he now wears a piece of clothing that lets the world know he would not be wronged again… so don’t even try. The implication was that he felt people were more likely to be full of BS than not. He didn’t trust people.

So, I understood him now, right?

Maybe not.

It’s good to try and understand people, but we also don’t want to project our assumptions on them. When we do, we risk seeing them in the wrong light. 

At this point I needed to stop and ask myself what projections I might be bringing to my assumptions. I understand that everything I experience is filtered through the prism of my own reality. 

If you’ve ever seen light go through a prism, you know that when it enters, it’s white light. When it comes out it’s broken down into a rainbow of colors. What we latch onto as meaning is the result of our life’s experience. So, I looked at what this man was wearing, the way he talked to his dog and the way he avoided eye contact. I reflexively looked at him with a suspicious eye. I was sizing him up.

My first encounter with him was like that moment of white light. What did I really know about this man? I had little to go on. And everything I decided I knew was like the moment when the light refracts and becomes many colors. That’s the moment we start to project our perceptions. Some may be right, and some may be wrong. We can’t be sure…. But we usually act like we are. This is because we don’t notice we’re projecting.

So, this is where I found myself with him. I’ve known the man for literally a minute or two and I’ve already decided I know who he is. I’ve already decided he’s suspicious, and untrusting. And I’ve decided he’s not worth talking to.

We all do this. If we’ve been wronged, we look for people who might wrong us in the same way we’ve been wronged before. In this way, we can avoid the same pain. 

We also project our own failings and weaknesses on others. And this part is pretty big -because we generally don’t know we’re doing it. If we’ve been a liar, we‘ll be suspicious that others might lie to us. If we’re untrustworthy, we project that other people are the same. After all – each of us in ourselves -is the primary tool, we use to measure the rest of the world. 

We’re kind of like our own baseline for what is “normal.”  I mean most of us can see our flaws but if really pressed. Each of us would say “I’m pretty normal.” It takes a lot of self awareness -or maybe a lot of self-judgement for a person to say they’re abnormal. 

As an extreme example of how we all see ourselves… the serial killer Ted Bundy, who confessed to 30 murders once said in a jailhouse interview, 

“We serial killers are your sons, we are your husbands, we are everywhere.”

That’s clearly not true. There are many bad people in the world but few who were as dark as Bundy. But, of course he believed this. Like the rest of us, he was using himself as his primary tool for measuring the world. He was projecting his own darkness on everyone else. He figured he wasn’t all that abnormal. Afterall, (he figured) how could others not be like him too? 

Okay – end of extreme example.

So, back at the café, I have to ask myself, “What am I projecting on this man?” Because I know that in order to see the world more accurately, I have to work to see myself. I have to see my own “bullshit”, (to steel a word from his hat).

He was sitting at a table just to my right. And I was tempted to ask about the hat. I went through several scenarios in my head… What would I say? How might he react? Would his answers be honest if I asked about the hat? …Would he be annoyed that I was talking to him?                                                                                                      Ultimately… because he was wearing earbuds. I left him alone.                                                                        He seemed to want to be left alone, (or was that my projection?).                                                                                     I saw in him loneliness and fear of the world, (or was that my projection?).                                                          But you know, kindness from a stranger might be welcome, (or was that my projection?)… and on and on.

We can’t know another person better than we know ourselves. So, there’s a real value in getting to know ourselves. Recognizing the possibility of projection is a good place to start. If I can identify what I’m putting on him, I can then decide if those projections are reasonable. And I can start to see myself more honestly.

So, I ask myself…. Why do I think he wants to be left alone? Answer: When I want to be left alone at a coffee house, I put in ear buds, or wear headphone, or burry my nose in a book.

Why do I think he’s untrusting? When I don’t trust a stranger, I am reserved and stand-offish. 

And the only way I’d ever consider wearing a hat like that is if I was angry and had a point to make…. But even then, I don’t think I would. 

So, all of these assumptions come from me projecting my own way of reacting to others when I want to be left alone, or I don’t trust a person. I’ve made a reflexive assumption that he’s just like me… which is silly. 

In fact, there are many reasons people are standoffish. I just grabbed onto the reason that was most common to me. His reactions could come from anything. Maybe he lost a loved one this week…. ( but again that’s a projection). I reflexively grasp for answers. And the funny part is we all do this without trying -or even giving any awareness to it.  

I don’t know if he’s reserved for the reasons, I project on him. But our reflex is to try and make sense of the world around us, so I use what I’ve learned of the world, and I make assumptions. 

And you know, this is simply an evolutionary response. It’s an adaptation to get by in the world. 

So, let’s talk about adaptation for a moment. 

A psychological adaptation is a tendency toward a certain behavior or thought pattern. A fear of spiders is a psychological adaptation that helps protect people from injury or death as a result of being bitten. 

But it’s driven by fear… which is an emotion at the base of much of our adaptations. If a friend is bitten by a small black spider with orange markings and that friend dies, or becomes very sick. We may adopt a fear of all spiders. So, we will project a fear on many things, for a problem caused by one specific thing. 

And -just like there are no two snowflakes alike- there are no two people with the same psychological adaptations. We all evolve differently through the influence of our life experience. 

If we were spanked as a child, we may grow up to be a quiet adult, because we believe that ‘Stay quiet and stay out of trouble’ is how you get by in the world. We probably won’t even think about the adaptation, it just becomes the way we are. 

And there are two ways projection works. Projection works to make us cautious -which we learned from our personal experiences, as I mentioned in the spider bite example. It also works in a way that leads us to see the world as we see ourselves. As we evolve our own traits, we judge those around us based on our understanding of ourselves. And this can be especially insidious when we can’t admit to ourselves that we dislike an aspect of ourselves. When we hide in this way, we often see the trait we dislike in others. 

Remember, Bundy saw murderers everywhere. And he believed it. 

Our projections can create suspicion. And this can lead us to dislike, condemn, or vilify the things we dislike about ourselves.  

And you now, It’s been my experience that when someone is highly concerned about being stolen from, they have either been victimized in the past, or are themselves a thief. Either of these could cause a person to be hyper-vigilant and become suspicious of others. 

And our personal experiences are where this side of us comes from. Either internal experiences or external experiences. In the fear of theft example, one is a fear with an external origin (because you’ve been stolen from, you are cautious.) The other has an internal origin (you are a thief, so you suspect others are as well). 

We reflexively notice attributes of ourselves in others. Both good and bad. It may be that projecting negative traits on others helps us feel better about the parts of ourselves we don’t like.                          And imagine you were a petty thief. You start to believe everyone steels. Wouldn’t that make you feel a little better about being a thief? So, you project your reality on others.

Goodtherapy.org defines projection this way:

“Projection is a psychological defense mechanism in which individuals attribute characteristics they find unacceptable in themselves to another person. For example, a husband who has a hostile nature might attribute this hostility to his wife and say she has an anger management problem. In some cases, projection can result in false accusations. For example, someone with adulterous feelings might accuse their partner of infidelity.” (end of quote)

Good examples.

To better understand Projection, let’s look at what Carl Jung called “the Shadow”. 

Quote..

“In analytical psychology, the shadow includes everything in the unconscious mind, good or bad. Another definition in shadow psychology is that the shadow might include only the part of the personality that you don’t want to identify as part of yourself but is still a part of your unconscious mind. This darker side of your personality holds everything your conscious mind can’t admit about itself.”

(end of quote)

This way of hiding from yourself leads to Shadow behavior…. 

Shadow behavior is driven by this part of ourselves that we’re not aware of. We react to things in a way that is driven by our personal shadows. The shadow skews the way we see the world. We project our insecurities and fears on situations and relationships. And this is projection. 

But it’s not all bad. As I mentioned earlier - when we are aware of our insecurities, we are better able to see how we project them on others. We can check our projections and sometimes adjust the way we respond to the world. When I’m aware of my projections, I can question them. And that’s where I start to can add a skill to my personal growth toolbox.  

So, let’s do a little work here. 

The Happiness Clinic webpage has a great article about projection. What it is, and how to use it to become more self-aware and genuine. I’m going to borrow a bit from that article here, but I’ll share a link to the entire article in the show notes. I encourage you to check it out. Especially if you want to do serious work around the shadow self and projections. It is well-written and has a detailed exercise you can do to determine why you are being highly triggered by another person, and how to change shadow behavior.

This is the Happiness Clinic’s definition of projection… (some of this is a little redundant to what I’ve already said, but I’m including it because it underlines the point).

Quote..

“In projection, you take an unacceptable part of yourself, such as your feelings, thoughts, tendencies, and fears, disown it, and place it onto someone else. Projections contain our blind spots. Although almost everyone has engaged in projection at some point in their lives, it's often difficult to know when you're doing it.”

 (And I interject here to say that… the way you start to change your reflexive behavior of projecting, is (again) by learning to recognize when you are projecting.) 

Back to the quote..

“Projection can cloud your vision and skew your perception of reality. This makes it hard to see a situation for what it is, and instead, morphs a person or situation into something it is not. When you engage in projection, you become susceptible to self-victimization and blaming other people for something you need to address within yourself.”

End of quote.

Let me share a short process you can use to identify when you’re projecting. To figure out where your projection is coming from, and to help you change the behavior. 

The first step is to notice you feel defensive, or judgmental. You’re having a hard time being objective about the situation…  (like the man in I saw in the coffee shop). I looked at his hat and decided I understood him. I judged him.

The second step is to look at what you are feeling about this person and ask yourself if there’s anything about yourself that this person is reminding you of. Its important to be honest with yourself here. 

When I do step one (we’ll call it noticing) I make a point to emotionally (or even physically) create space. Then I try to identify my projections. Which is step two.                                                                                            What assumptions am I making about this person? 

Step three is to ask myself if I can be certain those assumptions are true. And most of the time I can’t be sure. This is true whether it’s stranger or a person we know well. 

And finally - ask yourself if there is any benefit in judging this person. You’ll rarely find there is.

By using these steps, I’m able to stay objective and open-hearted…

Consider the man in the coffee shop with the dog. Because we didn't have a continuing interaction, I was able to easily disconnect. I was able to sit quietly with myself and identify my projections. Then, I was able to own my assumptions. Once I owned them, I was able to let go of them.

With practice, this is a powerful tool.

The goal is to help you be more aware of your projections. When you do, you’ll slowly learn to self-regulate. You’ll notice and drop the projections you’ve taken on, and shift into a more objective and compassionate mindset.

On The Happiness Clinic website you’ll find a detailed meditation you can do to start to tame your projection reflex. What I recommend as a start is to do what I did in the café. 

Use the steps above:

·         Recognize that you’re judging the person or that you are being triggered

·         Ask yourself the challenging questions… what part of you is being triggered… what about this person reminds you of yourself… and so on

·         Then ask yourself if you know for sure that any of your assumptions are true. 

·         After that you can let go of your assumptions

In most cases we judge or project (especially on strangers) with no benefit to ourselves. It’s purely reflexive. 

As we get into the habit of identifying our projections, we become more confident and happier. Most of us are unaware of the insecurities that drive our shadow behaviors. This is because they are hidden below the surface. But these insecurities can make us judgmental.        Identifying and removing our projections improves the way we see ourselves. 

The process of identifying and setting aside our projections takes time. You have to create the space to do it. And with practice, you’ll be able to identify and drop projections faster and more reflexively. So just keep practicing. I recommend starting with strangers – like I did with the man in the café. Strangers are less-complicated than those we have a closer relationship to. As time goes on you can apply the same skills to personal relationships. I’m using this tool in my life and it works. And there are benefits to practicing this method.

1.       You’ll become more open-hearted

2.       You’ll become less judgmental

3.       You’ll become more confident

At the very least you’ll get better self awareness.

Oh, and guy with the “bullshit” hat that I could tell was “untrusting”… 

He left his table twice after he came back with is drink. He left all his things on the table -including his phone. Later I went to get a refill. I noticed that I took my phone with me. So, who’s really untrusting? 

But it’s clear to me that (at least) some of my projections about him were wrong. And I left the café that day a slightly better version of myself because I took the time to recognize my own bullshit. 

Projection work is important work but it is advanced work as well. Maybe this topic didn’t land for you today. It really depends on where you are in your personal growth journey. If you listen to the show and the topic doesn’t resonate this time, I encourage you to come back and listen another time. It might be that you’re not at a place where you’re ready to dive into this work just yet.