Around 1500 years ago, the Chinese philosopher Confucius said, 

"The superior man is modest in his speech but exceeds in his actions." 

So, even way back in the year 500, people saw the value in the strong, silent type. 

Welcome to The Soul Podcast. I’m Stacey Wheeler. 

Today I’m going to talk about masculinity -and why masculinity is as important now as it has been throughout history. I will also be challenging the term ‘toxic masculinity.’ If that thought triggers you, hang tight. It will all make sense by the time we’re done. 

The opening quote from Confucius emphasized the virtues of humility and action over words. Confucius often described the ideal man as one who demonstrates his strength and character through deeds rather than boastfulness. These actions come from a man’s confidence and integrity. And confidence and integrity are some of the core aspects of masculinity. 

A few hundred years before Confucius, Aristotle said, 

"I count him braver who overcomes his desires than him who conquers his enemies; for the hardest victory is over self."  

We’ve all given into desires rather than make the wiser choice we knew was available. Sometimes it’s as simple as the food we choose to eat. Sometimes its more extreme. Personal choice and personal responsibility are part of the human journey. When we have personal accountability and personal integrity we make wiser decisions and those who know us understand we can be relied on.  

Personal accountability and integrity are other core aspects of masculinity.

Somone once wrote,

"A real man is one who can handle seeing his woman with mud on her face, no makeup on, and still thinks she’s beautiful—and then promptly kills the spider." 

If you’re a woman and that quote makes your heart smile, there’s a reason. It speaks of some of the masculine attributes women love in their man. When a woman knows a man loves her for who she is, even when not at her best… when a woman knows she can rely on her man to be protective (even against a little spider)… the woman feels safe. These actions come from a man’s desire to protect those he loves, his confidence and his ability to love and show his love. These are all attributes of masculinity.

For several years the term ‘toxic masculinity’ has been tossed around. It’s been so used that the words ‘masculine’ and ‘masculinity’ have taken on a negative connotation to many. Today I‘m setting the record straight.

So-called ‘toxic masculinity’ has nothing to do with masculinity. The traits associated with ‘toxic masculinity’ come from ego defense. And there’s plenty of research to support this. 

Theodore Millon is a prominent psychologist. Millon developed a series of Personality Theories. In these he discussed the concept of narcissistic personality traits, which often drive the behaviors labeled as toxic masculinity. These traits, such as entitlement, lack of empathy, and the need for admiration, are driven by ego defense mechanisms, not masculinity. 

The term ‘toxic masculinity’ wrongfully connects masculinity with negative behaviors that are actually rooted in a lack of maturity and self-control. When we’ve developed the traits of masculinity (I mentioned earlier) we are incapable of the traits people wrongfully attribute to ‘so-called ‘toxic masculinity. True masculinity involves the cultivation of virtues like strength, confidence, emotional intelligence, personal accountability, integrity, kindness, and loving protectiveness.

The traits people wrongfully attribute to people labeled as “toxic masculine’ are in fact driven by the opposite of these traits. 

Carl Jung spoke of this in his work around what he called “the shadow self.”  Simply stated - Jung's idea of the "shadow" involves parts of the personality that are repressed by us, because we know they’d be considered unacceptable by others. We know the less desirable parts of our personalities and we hide them. And they become our shadow self. But these remain parts of us and we project our shadow onto others (even though we may refuse to acknowledge it). This lack of personal awareness can manifest in aggressive or domineering behaviors often labeled as "toxic masculinity." If you know someone whose constantly accusing others of a behavior, it’s likely because he knows that he himself is the sort of person who would do the same things. This is the shadow self.

However, these behaviors are about protecting the ego. They are not reflecting masculine traits. When a man is driven by ego he is exhibiting the inverse of masculine traits. Instead of confidence, his lack of confidence drives his way of being. Because he lacks emotional intelligence, he’s not able to see how his actions affect others. He lacks personal accountability. He has no integrity. He doesn’t embody kindness and isn’t capable of consistent loving protectiveness over the people in his life. 

These are the negative aspects of male ego -an ego that has mal-adaptations:

·         Overconfidence and arrogance, 

·         Over-aggressiveness and overly competitiveness, 

·         Need for Control, 

·         Inability to show vulnerability, 

·         Fear of Failure, 

·         Inability to accept help.

·         Overemphasis on Success and Status, 

·         Defensiveness and Inflexibility, 

·         Sexism & machoism, 

·         Pride and Stubbornness, 

·         Jealousy and possessiveness.

Masculine men recognize other men with these traits and find them unappealing as potential friends. That is part of the reason you see men of lower character associating in groups and men of higher character associating in groups. We find our level of goodness in people.

And in our societies today we champion femininity. In fact, we love it. The word feminine has a positive connotation. It feels good on our tongue. We love a woman living her genuine feminine self. That’s because the aspects of true femininity are ones we appreciate. 

·         Nurturing, 

·         Compassion, 

·         Poise, 

·         Grace, 

·         Sensitivity, 

·         Intuition, 

·         Emotional intelligence, 

·         Resourcefulness, 

·         Creativity, 

·         Sense of community 

·         Moral & ethical Integrity 

These are all associated with femininity. Do all women have these..? Of course not. And men are the same. Some lack the attributes of masculinity. And the fewer masculine attributes men have, the less appealing they are to us. The fewer feminine attributes women have, the less appealing we find them. 

And the more developed a man or woman is in their respective femininity or masculinity, the more appealing they are to us. 

Toxic masculinity is a lie. This doesn’t mean that there aren’t men out there who act terribly. Of course there are. But their behavior has nothing to do with masculinity.  

And it’s important that we attack the use of that phrase. When we allow people to vilify masculinity, we’re allowing them to tell men that masculine is bad. If people were attacking femininity, we’d see the silliness of that. It is especially important to defend masculinity for the sake of young men. Men under 30 have grown up in a world where masculinity is under attack. Where women can loudly proclaim they are proudly feminine, there are many places where a man would fear judgment to proudly claim he is masculine. That is because the meaning of the word has been corrupted. 

And now that you know the true aspects of masculinity, you can see the silliness of calling anything about it toxic. Now, as much as ever – we need truly masculine men in the world. We need protectors, men of honor and confidence. We need honorable leaders in our lives. Ones with emotional intelligence who we know we can rely on. 

The ego and shadow driven men work against the greater good. That’s because these men lack the attributes of true masculinity.

All the research and theories from Carl Jung Theodore Millon support the idea that the behaviors labeled as "toxic masculinity" are ego-driven responses rather than expressions of true masculine traits. They show that these behaviors usually stem from insecurity, fear, and a fragile sense of self, rather than the positive qualities associated with masculinity. And there’s much more research on this topic. Check out the research done by Michael Kimmel, and Joseph Pleck. I’ll share their names in the show notes, in case you want to look into it.

Today, start to recognize the truly masculine men in your world. They’re easy to spot. They’re the mostly quiet ones you know you can rely on and trust. They are confident drawing a boundary for others. They are the ones you feel safe around. 

And when you hear the term ‘toxic masculinity’ -push back on it. Tell them there’s no such thing as toxic masculinity. It’s toxic ego.