“It is not the mountain we conquer but ourselves.”

Welcome to The Soul Podcast. I’m Stacey Wheeler

Sir Edmund Hillary wrote those words. Hillary is the man credited with being the first to reach the summit of Mount Everest. In this quote, Hillary is taking about pushing through fears. About understanding the true measure of ourselves -and the true limitations. We don’t reach any worthwhile peak in our lives without pushing beyond our comfort zone and testing our fears. 

Psychological researchers have determined that we are all insecure. This information has been creeping in, slowly becoming part of our awareness -our awareness about ourselves. It’s taken about a hundred years of psychological research, but now it seems clear. We’re all insecure. It is an accepted truth of the human condition. 

And that’s wonderful news to me. It should be wonderful news to all of us. Because, knowing that everyone struggles with self-doubt, we can drop any concern we may have about our own insecurities. We’re insecure… and that’s normal. There’s no need to wring our emotional hands about it. Instead, we can simply acknowledge it -and move forward. I’m insecure… and that’s normal.

Okay, maybe it’s not that simple to let go of. I get it. Afterall, you’re breaking a lifetime habit of trying to ignore your insecurities. A lifetime history of failing to completely control them. Or, if you’re fortunate, maybe you had a lifetime of lying to yourself that you have any, at all. 

Mark Twain said, “All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure.”

I know Twain meant that as a joke, but the grain of truth in it is what makes is a strong statement. Some of us are so proficient at hiding our insecurities from ourselves that we forget we even have them. But these people are rare. I could argue that the combination of ignorance and overconfidence led to every successful dictator… but I’ll leave that topic for someone else’s show. 

If you’re insecure and you know it, you’re in good company. And you’re in a good position to do some beautiful spiritual and personal work. We’ll be cracking that open today. 

Let’s look at why we’re all insecure. Understanding why will help you learn how to leave some of it behind. 

The body of research around insecurity seems to agree where human insecurity begins. And it likely comes from our absolute vulnerability as babies. We are born into the world entirely reliant on another person form our most basic needs… food, comfort and protection. Without the support of another, we are sure to die. Suffering is guaranteed without another to care for us. And this reliance programs our young brains with a sense of insecurity. It becomes the foundational software our brains operate on. Though we rid ourselves of some of this as we grow, some insecurity stays with us for our lifetime. Other fears and insecurities are also added as we grow. These come from our life experience. Much of it is what happens from birth to adolescence. 

The Austrian Psychiatrist, Researcher - Margaret Mahler Pr. mall-urr agreed that insecurity starts at birth. She said,

"The child’s first attempts at autonomy are marked by ambivalence—both a longing for independence and a deep fear of losing the comforting security of the mother." 

We want to break free of the source of security, at the same time we are fearful of doing it.

Carl Jung wrote about a concept he called ‘the shadow self.’ The shadow represents the parts of ourselves that we reject or keep hidden, often because it reflects feelings of inadequacy or weakness. Most of this (if not all) we developed in our formative years. This is  the space where the insecurity lives. 

Much of this we can drop as we break away from the security of our caretakers. This happens in our teens typically. As we move further from the safety of our caretakers, we learn how strong we can be without them. It’s like a child learning to swim. Each time they swim further from the dock, they become more confident. But they know they can always swim back to the safety of the dock. We are this way with our parents. We are swimming away from them to become more confident in ourselves. Jung called this process Individuation. At birth we are essentially the possession of our parent.  But it becomes vital and natural that we develop a sense of individual self. We usually grow a bit at a time, always with the understanding that we can always swim back to the safety of the dock, where we came from. And sometimes we’re forced to individuate on a faster timeline –and it can be jarring!

Insecurity starts at birth and stays with us as we grow... but we can defeat aspects of it as it arises. 

It arises in different ways. 

Margaret Mahler said, "In becoming an individual, there is always a loss—a sense of insecurity that arises when one must leave the familiar behind to step into the unknown."  

The way we defeat insecurities is to move towards them. To embrace them. Let’s ;look at how some come up -and I’ll show you what  mean.  

The Ways Insecurities Come Up

·         Leaving home for the first time (feeling alone and without protection…)

·         Career changes or job loss (fear of not being good enough)

·         Becoming a Parent (fear of inadequacy)

·         Divorce or relationship breakdown (loss of emotional security…)

·         Serious illness or health crises (physical vulnerability – unpredictability of life…)

·         Aging and existential reflection (Facing mortality… crisis of meaning…)

Each of these is a crisis in a way. When we face each crisis, we become stronger. Leaning into the adventure of leaving home for the first time….

Accepting the reality that things are changing without our approval -as in a job loss, the end of a relationship, illness or aging…  

This where we grow. And there are tools you can use when recognizing insecurities.  

Ways we Conquer Insecurities

·         Self-Compassion (be kind and patient with yourself)

·         Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (accept emotions rather than avoiding or suppressing them…)

·         Mindfulness (stay present and aware without judgment)

·         Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (identify negative thought patterns, challenge them, & replace them..)

·         Meditation (develop a sense of inner calm and compassion and self-compassion)

·         Yoga and Breathwork (to balance the mind-body connection)

When we avoid or fight insecurity, it only makes it worse, but by accepting it and opening to it, we can find a sense of freedom and strength within.

More Ways To Conquer Insecurities 

Accept your imperfections You and I are a work in progress. No one will ever be perfect. The game is to be working towards being better.

Identify the Root Cause

Can you recognize why you're insecure in different ways? (Give examples...)  When we can identify why, we can more easily dismantle that insecurity. When we don't, we can get help from a coach, or therapist, to help us figure it our... then we can go after it. 

Build Self-Confidence

The way we overpower our insecurity is by building self-confidence.  One way is to recognize our strengths and celebrate your successes. When we focus on the things we see as negative (our insecurities) we underline those things in our mind.

When we shift our attention and focus on the things we're proud of about ourselves, we underline GOOD THINGS in our mind. So remind yourself of your strengths. And this doesn't have to be huge. Maybe you're a great friend, a honorable parent, a loyal worker, an honest person. 

The mind is a powerful tool. It can work for us or against us... and the choice is ours. We're the only person who gets to direct it. So redirect it to focus on your strength. 

You'll find that when you focus on your strengths, you feel better and stronger. 

To become Stronger... Set small goals

When we set large goals we can sometimes get disappointed when it doesn't work out. So set small ones (Tell a story)

These small victories teach us we're stronger than we thought. Our confidence increases, our resilience grows, and we start taking on bigger goals.

The end result is that we not only feel more secure, we also become better in all our relationships.

Margaret Mahler  said, "The infantile dependence on the mother creates a template for later relationships, where the anxiety of separation and the need for emotional reassurance continue to affect one’s sense of security."  

The stronger we become, the better partner and friend we can be. We become the dock others can swim to. A dock others can rely on. 

When you feel insecurity creep in, remember you’re not alone. We’re all insecure. 

Watch for your insecurities and welcome them in. They’ve made themselves visible so you can defeat them. When you embrace your insecurities, you will become stronger and more confident.