In her book Becoming Wise, Krista Tippett said,

"Anger is often what pain looks like when it shows itself in public."

This episode will be useful to you if you sometimes get angry and regret it.

Have you ever had one of those moments? Maybe you’re in traffic and someone is driving badly near you. Maybe someone says something on social media that hits your triggers, or maybe you snap at a friend or co-worker. You know this isn’t the best version of yourself. So, why are you getting angry?

In Psychology, anger is often referred to as a secondary emotion.  

·         Typically arises in response to other primary, more vulnerable emotions such as fear, sadness, hurt, or shame. And it can also come from your internal story. The limiting beliefs you have about yourself.

Let’s look back at our examples:

1.    You get angry while driving

When I’ve gotten angry while driving… (something else going on in my life… I’ve got emotional pain or physical pain) STORY

2.    Getting angry online

When I have an emotional reaction to something someone says, it doesn’t begin in anger. It begins somewhere else. Maybe what they posted or wrote triggered a soft space inside of me. Maybe I felt they were challenging a strongly held belief. 

3.    Getting angry at a friend or co-worker

Can you remember a time you lost your cool with a friend or co-worker and regretted it?

Regret is the key here…

Maybe they did a bad job on something and you lost your cool. Maybe you felt they didn’t appreciate your hard work…. You got Annoyed, frustrated or angry…  

Let’s follow the progression: Think of a time you got annoyed or angry at something online. Maybe it’s a friend’s post… maybe a news item.

The first thing you notice is anger or annoyance.

But that’s not where it starts. First, there’s that thing below the anger. You felt challenged, argued with, insulted in some way. Maybe someone was actually and obviously rude or unkind. (We’ll come back to that).

It starts with the hurt feeling.  Have you ever had someone disagree with something you posted… then felt angry they disagreed? (anger, frustration, annoyance…)

 To understand what came before the anger, ask yourself what the story was you told yourself. “She thinks I’m stupid.” “He doesn’t respect me.” “They think they’re better than me.” 

Do any of these sound familiar?  = Hurt feelings are below the anger.

Again, anger is a secondary emotion.  

·         It can come up in response to more vulnerable emotions, like fear, sadness, hurt, or shame.

Let’s talk about fear.

Ever see someone het surprised and go straight to anger? Maybe if not in real life, in a video on social media….

Fear is a vulnerable emotion. Going to anger gives us a sense of power in the moment of vulnerability.

Sadness, Hurt & Shame are also starting points.

Some of us are more easily triggered when we feel sadness. When I was a small child I was very sick.. 

When we’re feeling ashamed, anger can also be a place we hide.  I once caught my ex-wife going through my social media account, checking all my DMs. Her immediate response was to get angry and accuse me of calling her a liar. This was a way of deflecting (and also gaslighting).but it came from her fear of being exposed, or shame that she got caught.  

Now let’s talk about reacting  to hurt…

When I caught my ex-wife lying to me, I felt hurt. “How could she disrespect me so much?” I wondered. “Why do I stay with someone who treats me this way?”  I was hurt and felt disrespected by her. That became a seething anger. She didn’t see my anger, but it doomed the relationship. I started emotionally packing my bags. That’s one way anger grows from hurt.

Also – Notice how vulnerable emotions usually come from your internal story.

The limiting beliefs you have about yourself.

The things you believe other people think about you.

The story I told myself about my ex-wife snooping and lying to me… it was about me. How she didn’t respect me and how foolish I was for staying with her. These may well be true, but ultimately, the way she was wasn’t about me. It was about her. She was being untrussing and dishonest.

We internalize.

We make it about ourselves….

Do you recognize yourself in any of these examples?

If you do, there’s room to grow.

You can change your anger or annoyance response by being aware,

When you notice anger or annoyance rising, Pause and ask yourself a question: “Where did that come from?”

I recommend doing this alone. If you feel angry or annoyed, step away from the situation and ask yourself where it’s coming from.

Last week I lost my cool in the car. I moved out of the fast lane to let the car, following closely behind pass. It came up about even to mine in the lane beside me but didn’t pass. It never even go level to my steering wheel… always just behind.

“What the hell, man?!” I snapped out loud to myself in the car.

Then I smiled and asked myself, “Where did that come from, Stacey.”

I already knew. (neck injury = pain)

The beautiful thing about this exercise is Empathy. You’re recognizing the vulnerable emotions your anger grows from and showing empathy to your deeper, softer self.

You don’t have to be tough. You don’t have to project anger. It’s okay to recognize you are hurting.  When you do, you become more emotionally intelligent.

Once we understand (and start living our life with the knowledge) that anger is a secondary emotion, we can have empathy for ourselves. We better understand the reaction we are having in the moment. A great secondary benefit of this is that we open to our softer primary emotions. As we do this, we feel more joy in our lives.

Let’s look at the Softer Primary Emotions:

Sadness: We often see sadness as negative. But sadness shows us there’s a need for reflection or healing. We grant ourselves empathy. We embrace our true emotion, rather than our reaction to the true emotion.

Fear is a natural response to danger, and also to uncertainty or the unknown. We often end in anger when we experience fear. Recognizing that this is the emotion below the anger response helps us see ourselves better. We’re able to ask ourselves why the thing that happened triggered fear. We can grant ourselves empathy. We’re able to become more aware of the true emotion we’re experiencing. In doing this we learn to understand ourselves better.

Shame or Guilt are emotions that sometimes tell us we've not met our own or societal standards. They offer a pathway to personal growth or reconciliation.

·         Shame is more about the self; it's the painful feeling arising from the consciousness of something dishonorable or improper done by oneself or associated with oneself. It's more global, making you feel bad about who you are. Example: "I am a bad person because I did this."

·         Guilt focuses more on the behavior rather than the self; it's the distress associated with having done something wrong or having failed to do something. It's more specific, making you feel bad about what you did. Example: "I did something bad."

Great news! Shame can lead to questioning behaviors or traits you feel are unacceptable. When we do this it leads you on a journey towards self-improvement or change in behavior.

Guilt is similar. When we recognize the emotion it can lead to powerful reflection. We think about our specific actions. It can trigger thoughts like, "How could I have done better?" or "How can I make amends?" This reflection can help us learn from mistakes.

Now let’s look at Love or Affection: These emotions can be powerful tools for learning about ourselves. This topic is multi layered. We can’t cover it all. It’s too big. For now, let’s focus on an example of how love and affection can be -----------------

We’ve talked about how anger often acts as a protective layer. It shields more vulnerable emotions like love or affection. It might happen when we feel these softer emotions (of love and affection)  are threatened, or even if expressing them directly feels too risky or exposing.

·         Ever felt an attraction to someone that wasn’t being returned? ….  Sometimes= Anger

Now let’s look at how Fear of Vulnerability comes to play in the area of Love and Affection: Sometimes, anger is a way to avoid the vulnerability that comes with love or affection. If we fear rejection, betrayal, or loss, anger can serve as a defense mechanism, keeping others at bay.

·         For some, it’s easier to be angry than to be vulnerable. This happens when vulnerability has become a no-go zone for a person. Maybe they’ve been hurt in the past and they unknowingly raised a protective wall. This is a useful protective response. But when the wall stays up, we limit our life experience. Emotionally we’re keeping people out. But we’re also caging ourselves in. Fear of rejection or betrayal leaves us lonely and alone. When we see that our fear is driven y our softer emotions, we can grant ourselves empathy and start to connect to the true emotion we’re feeling. The primary emotion.

When we do this work consistently, we increase our Emotional Intelligence.

Recognizing and understanding primary emotions is key to emotional intelligence, which impacts communication, empathy, and self-regulation.

I said I’d come back to someone being obviously rude or unkind. Of course, you may become annoyed or angry when someone does that. In any moment of anger, ask yourself, “Where did that come from?”

If it’s clear they hurt you with intention, remove that person from your life. That’s not about you. It’s about them. Anger in that moment is your wisdom telling you to respect yourself. Never tolerate a person being intentionally unkind. This person is lacking the thing you are working to strengthen… Self-Awareness.

Whether it’s ours or someone else’s… Behind every anger, there is a hurt or pain that needs to be addressed. Awareness of the source of this pain or hurt (the emotion it came from) allows us to grow. Allows us to become more self-aware. It allows us to become a better version of ourselves.

When we do, we have less anxiety and stress. The reduction in anxiety and stress leaves us open for more joy.

I’ll leave you with a thought from Seneca. More than 2000 years ago he wrote, "Anger, if not restrained, is frequently more hurtful to us than the injury that provokes it."

Seneca understood  that anger often hides deeper, more personal wounds. When we look below the anger, we find vulnerability. When we embrace vulnerability, we create strength.

Start today. This week, when you feel anger, ask yourself, “Where did that come from?”

Do this for a month and you’ll grow in ways hard to imagine.