William Shakespeare asked, “What is in a name?” 

Welcome to The Soul Podcast. I’m Stacey Wheeler

What is in a name? 

Today we’re looking at the growing trend of choosing a new name. Many people are discovering that choosing a new name can be liberating. It’s a different sort of way of becoming yourself. But is it for you? Take a listen, and you decide. 

In Romeo and Juliett, Juliette asked the question what is in a name. And she followed up her question with a statement. “That which we call a rose, by any other name would smell as sweet.”

A name does not define a rose. It is only a place-holder for it. A reference for what we are referring to. And your name is the same. Your name is a place holder for you. Ut it is not you. Only you get to determine what you are. 

Shakespeare also wrote the words,

“To thine own self be true.”  

Do we really need to be reminded?

Perhaps.

Welcome to The Soul Podcast. I’m Stacey Wheeler… or am I?

Today I continue my series on Becoming Yourself. If you start the work today, you may not get there before you die. But every change you make to get back to you… will make you happier and stronger. 

In the first episode we talked about identifying labels and challenging them. But there are other tools you can employ as well, when defining yourself, to yourself.  

One interesting trend is name change. Some people find that choosing a new name can be liberating. 

A few hundred years ago, a person’s name was a vital part of their identity. It showed clan affiliation and familial connection. It sometimes even stood for political or religious affiliation. It told the world what group you belonged to. At some point last names became more a part of our connected and collected history as a family. Growing up, I remember my family talked about the Wheeler family tree… or about Wheeler ancestors. And in doing so it was suggested that those things mattered. In a way, I’ve been conditioned with the idea that I should keep (and pass on) my last name. But that is changing. And it’s been changing for quite a while.

A 2016 article at Vice.com said 85,000 people in the UK changed their names the year before using a simple document called a deed poll. A deed poll is a legal document from a single person stating an intention. The intention in this case is to go by a different name. This document makes it simple to make this sort of change. There are many reasons people want to change their name. Here are a few trends we are seeing:

Some couples that have gotten married choose to let go of their last names and … sometimes merging them as a single name or choosing one they both feel connection to. Some people who choose not to get married but who want to make a commitment, do the same.  Trans people frequently change their first names to match the gender they identify with.  And now, more and more frequently… people are starting to choose a name that fits who they feel they are. For some it is freeing to let go of their old name and embrace a new one. 

 The act of choosing our own name frees us in a way from the constraints of the name we were given by our parents. It’s like we’re giving ourselves permission to be someone other than the person we were told we are supposed to be. And in this way, we’re claiming ourselves. 

When I was in my early 20s I had a friend who changed his entire name. At the time I was amazed by the boldness of his act. It seemed so revolutionary to cast off the name he had been given and had lived with his whole life. His name was Kevin Stevens and it became Niveque Storm. He’s lived with his new name for more than 30 years now. We’ve talked a bit about it over the years. But I’d never probed for deeper meaning. So, I reached out to my friend to get his perspective. I began by asking why he changed his name. 

AUDIO HERE

“I just fundamentally never, never found my name interesting…       I just didn’t feel my name fundamentally fit me. In fact I turned out the opposite of what my parents expected.”  

Niveque is an artistic and creative person. And I agree. He’s not boring or typical. And he chose a name that was meaningful to him on multiple layers. 

AUDIO HERE:

“My original name was Kevin….”

And I asked him what was it like to get used to a new name..? 

AUDIO HERE:

 “No, I loved it because… It should have always been there and it always was there…”

But what was it like for those who knew him by his previous name?

AUDIO HERE

Have you ever felt your name didn’t fit you? 

“I guess I’d say more on the adjustment part though…”

AUDIO HERE

In changing his name, Niveque claimed himself in a way. He went from being his parents’ possession to being his own possession. In doing this he set himself up for a lifetime of being true to himself. And I can see now that changing his name freed him in a way that (perhaps) nothing else could have. 

Jung’s idea of “Individuation” is a personal evolution from a young age.  The basic definition of individuation is,

“…the process through which a person achieves a sense of individuality separate from the identities of others and begins to consciously exist as a human in the world.”

So, individuation begins at an early age. At first, it's subtle when we are children. By the time we reach our teens individuation begins to move at a faster pace. We will start seeing signs in teenagers that they are individuating. Things like...

·         Spending more time alone

·         Seeking privacy

·         Rebelling against family and cultural norms

·         …and many other more subtle ways

These are early signs of a young person reflexively trying to find their personal balance. Trying to find who they are aside from being their parents’ child and the person society tells them they should be. This is the evolution of Individuation. For many people, Individuation reaches a certain point and becomes comfortable enough that they stop searching. But individuation is ongoing for some as they grow. As an example… a young girl may individuate from her parents to a certain degree, but later, if she becomes a mother that will most-likely change how she sees herself as well. She will likely define herself as a mother as well as a daughter. 

For many people individuation slows or even stops. There is no ongoing effort to individuate or evolve. One of the reasons for this is that continued growth is challenging and can be difficult and even painful. It takes a certain amount of bold action to be able to continually grow. 

Shakespeare said,

“To thine own self be true.”

Ralph Waldo Emerson said,

"To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment."

Another great mind wrote,

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind."

That’s Theodor Geisel… Dr. Seuss,

So, the idea of being true to ourselves, is not a novel or new idea. But why is individuation so important? 

When we're not true to ourselves we're living a life where we are trying to fit a role, we believe is expected of us. We’re being the person we’ve been conditioned to be -by society, or by our parents… 

The ancient Chinese philosopher Lou Tzu said,

"Care about what other people think and you will always be their prisoner."

Thousands of years have passed but the statement is just as true today. 

When you are true to yourself, you worry less about pleasing everyone else. That’s one of the greatest values of individuating. And being true to yourself is no small thing in our world, where we are conditioned to fit in, to not be different… and to please those around us. It takes an act of boldness -even bravery to be true to yourselves in a world that is constantly trying to condition us to fit into the mold of expectation.

So, individuation starts early, and it can be hard work.  Because of this, many of us stall along the way. We raise the white flag, in a way. And we settle into what’s familiar. We stop growing. The reason so many of us stop evolving is because it is hard work pushing against expectations. But this work is so very important.

How important is individuation? Carl Jung said,

"The only meaningful life is a life that strives for the individual realization — absolute and unconditional— of its own particular law ... To the extent that a man is untrue to the law of his being ... he has failed to realize his own life's meaning.”

“… failed to realize his own life’s meaning.” That’s a strong statement.

If you’re looking for meaning …keep evolving!

But many of us stall in our individuation. This happens for a variety of reasons….

For some, the struggle to individuate either begins or increases as a young adult -in their late 20s or 30s. This often happens because they were raised by controlling parents- who didn’t allow them the room to individuate. If you didn’t live this reality, you might know someone who did. When this happens, the person can feel a strong need to pull away from the parents when they gain some distance from them (in college, or when they move out for the first time). And in doing this, they start to become who they are -away from the influence of those who stalled their growth. And generally, these people may not even realize that’s why they are doing it. They simply know they must, in order to be happy. 

The need to individuate is that deeply a part of us. 

For others, a new focus on finding our true self can happen in the second half of life -even though earlier individuation has already happened. This is often triggered by something traumatic -such as a death of friend or family member, loss of a job, or even a breakup.

A process that was never fully completed, forces its way to the surface and cannot be denied. “Better late than never.” As they say.

Another reason personal evolution is important is that failed individuation can lead to bad adaptations which don’t serve us -and may even cause problems. Some of these include:

·         Anxiety

·         Depression

·         Lack of boundaries

·         Lack of self-awareness

·         Low satisfaction with one's life

·         Low self-worth

·         Problems with motivation and goal-setting

·         Poor decision making

·         Poor self-esteem

·         Shyness

·         Self-doubt

…and the list goes on. 

There are many reasons the individuation process can be stalled, most involve early trauma. This can even be in subtle forms. As I mentioned, controlling parent. They may be controlling because they want their child to steer away from bad influences and get a good education. But it may be felt as a subtly traumatic stifling to the child. And the child may fight against its own desire to evolve, in order to please the parent. 

Of course, more overt trauma also redirects us in many ways, and it may ,make us fundamentally question the nature of anything from love to our place in the world. Because of this stifling of personal growth, we often return to the process of becoming ourselves later in life, as we start to feel something is missing.

And it’s beautiful, because self-awareness can lead to Individuation and Individuation can lead to increased self-awareness. Continued individuation is a vital part of personal growth.

I believe Jung would have argued the purpose of individuation is to increase our personal consciousness. With greater consciousness, we’re able to heal the splits between conscious and unconscious behaviors. We start to bring consciousness to our behaviors. This is really a personal awareness.

Carl Jung said,

"The only meaningful life is a life that strives for the individual realization — absolute and unconditional— of its own particular law ... To the extent that a man is untrue to the law of his being ... he has failed to realize his own life's meaning.”

Jung completed that thought with,

“To the extent that a man is untrue to the law of his being ... he has failed to realize his own life's meaning.” That’s a strong statement.

If you’re looking for meaning …keep evolving! Today we’re going to look at how to start that process.

I’m going to dive into the work here. So, it’s going to get a bit more detailed as we talk about how individuation happens. So, let’s start with the continuing work we can do to further individuate.  So, how do we begin?

Jung said there are three stages to the process:

1.       The first is -Assimilation of the shadow. 

In Jungian psychology, the shadow represents aspects of ourselves which our ego rejects… which we then project on other people. These are parts of ourselves we repress or deny. When we deny something in ourselves, we tend to look for it in other people. It’s reflexive. It’s a way of helping us feel better about that part of ourselves. Essentially, we see the repressed parts of ourselves (or something we perceive as negative) in others. This may even be while we refuse to accept the same things in ourselves. 

As an example- someone who is reflexively rude to people may defend their actions and say they are not rude, but rather honest. They deny the truth of the situation, while refusing to take responsibility for their actions. That same person will be the first to call out some else who is being equally as rude. They look for the same fault in others. And -as I said- we do this reflexively and without noticing we’re doing it.

Learning to notice when we’re doing is called the ‘assimilation of the shadow.’ Acknowledging the suppressed parts of ourselves as being part of our own personality is a huge step in our evolution as an adult.  I did an episode on this topic in season one called Projection – How to Recognize and Master it. I’ll share a link in the show notes.

The second Step is - Confrontation with the anima (or animus)

The second stage of the individuation process means encountering what Jung calls the ‘soul-image’, which is one of the archetypal images. For a man this is the anima; for a woman, the animus. The anima is the feminine aspects of a male psyche: Things like… gentleness, tenderness, patience, receptiveness, closeness to nature, willingness to forgive, and so on (the softer side). The animus is the male side of a female psyche: assertiveness, the will to control and take charge, fighting spirit, and so on. To a certain extent we are forced into the role of the gender we are. This is because of societal norms. Because of this, we may suppress genuine parts of us that don’t fit the framework we’ve been conditioned to fit into.

Because of our conditioning, confronting the anima or animas can be uncomfortable.  And embracing this work can be challenging. Our whole lives we have been placed in a gender role. For men especially it can be challenging to embrace our softer side. But in doing this we are being true to ourselves. We are becoming fully (and genuinely) ourselves. 

For many, this is where big change can happen. Think of the men you know who’ve been through a personal transformation. In most cases, the result is these men are more comfortable showing their softer side, as they embrace the animus side of themselves. And this is where people start to comment that they have changed and aren’t the same. They become (dare I say) spiritual….

And we notice this change frequently happens in the second half of life (with men and with women). Perhaps you know a soft-hearted older guy who wears his hear on his sleeve and give great hugs. The same guy you remember being rough and rowdy, when he was younger. Younger men might misinterpret the emerging of an older man’s softer side - as a reduction in testosterone. 

A woman who leans into her animas and starts to speak assertively (perhaps for the first time in her life) has broken the constraints of societal conditioning that she is supposed to be sweet and quiet. And younger women may misinterpret her new assertiveness as a decrease in estrogen. It is more significant than that. It is no less than the signs of a personal evolution. 

Breaking away from old conditioning and embracing the parts of us that are seen as being of the other gender is intimidating, to most. And it can be liberating.

This area of personal reflection offers amazing growth for many. Diving into your Anima or Animas can help you become a more-complete person. 

The first two steps lead to the inevitable third stage of Individuation. 

The third and final stage is- The encounter with the archetype of the Wise Old Man (or Wise Old Woman)

This is where it gets a little mystical…

The wise man symbolizes a distinct thinking, completely unknown by the ego, a universal and timeless wisdom. He can take the form of a guru in our dreams, a professor, doctor, priest -really anyone we recognize as having authority, who you might imagine offering advice or teachings. Jung said that this archetype is triggered at difficult times in life (which re-ignite the individuation process). 

This dream encounter provides a bridge of sorts from the initial difficulty we’re experiencing (like a divorce, death of a loved one… and so on) to a balance state, where we feel more at peace in our identity and role in the world.  

And this stage may not be so overt as a guru appearing in your dreams. It may simply be a coming together of pieces that all seem to fit. With a result that your life now feels filled with a greater level of meaning. This may lead to changes in our lives. From the minor to the drastic. 

Jung’s autobiography is called Memories, Dreams, Reflections. It starts with this sentence,

 "My life is a story of the self-realization of the unconscious.”  

Jung understood that individuation is not a fulfillment on the ego level, through things like accomplishment or status. Instead, it’s a fulfillment of the potential of the unconscious, which goes beyond fitting into a role we’ve been conditioned to fit into. Our ultimate destination is in the direction of spiritual fulfillment.

So, let’s go back to where we began… 

Jung said, "The hero in each of us is required to answer the call of individuation. We must turn away from the cacophony of the outer world to hear the inner voice. When we can dare to live its promptings, then we achieve personhood. We may become strangers to those who thought they knew us, but at least we are no longer strangers to ourselves.”

Have you made your hero’s journey? Maybe you’re on it now. If so, please accept this as conformation that you’re on the right road to getting back to yourself. 

Individuation is the path that takes us to our complete being. And isn’t being complete what we should all desire? 

So -now the bigger question… To change your name, or to keep it… 

That’s your call. But I’ll share one last observation from Niveque Storm… 

AUDIO HERE

In wrapping up this thought, I want to end with an idea my friend shared with me in our conversation. Here’s Niveque… 

AUDIO HERE

So, here’s an exercise you might find helpful, whether you change your name or not.

Grab a pen and pad and answer this question…. If you were to change your name, what would you change it to and why? Put some thought into it. What does your answer tell you about yourself? About your life and your world? Maybe even about your upbringing….  Unsure of the name you might choose? There’s a name generation tool online. I’ll share a link in the show notes.

When you’re done (if you feel moved to) go to The Soul Podcast’s Facebook page and post your name change on the thread I’ve created for this post. Tell us why you chose that name. Why it’s significant to you. There’s a link to the thread in the show notes. 

Happy individuation. I’ll talk to you soon.